You’ll find someone else. A common thing to hear after break ups that can actually be more annoying than helpful in those moments. F is someone that I believe I will always love deeply. I can’t compare anyone else to him because I will never find someone just like him. Perhaps a new love will share similar qualities that are important in a relationship for me, but I’m never going to find anyone even remotely close to who he is. I need to stop comparing or looking for him in someone else, and open my heart to something completely new and different.
About a month ago, when he and I decided to take space again, I told him something in the end of our conversation that I’ve been thinking a lot about. I told him that I had to learn how to fall out of love with him. Whether this is true, or even possible, I don’t and can’t and may never know. I go through up and down moments trying to understand or decide, and sometimes I feel overwhelming peace and other times I freak out inside. It’s very unfamiliar for me to love something or someone so much while being close to them, but not be as close to them as I desire.
I received an email today from a wise and wonderful older friend that made me understand and feel more peaceful with these inconclusive and confusing feelings of love.
“It might sound crazy, but you can love another man as well. And by that I don’t mean settle for someone else, I mean really love someone else, start a family with him and love each other so much. I think you will always love him, but don’t let this love stop you from loving someone else. It’s possible. I know this is probably the craziest thing you ever heard.”
Crazy? Definitely. But I also sense deep truth to this. The difficult part is, as she says, allowing myself to love, and actually getting there.
I actually do like someone else. Someone completely different than F. We’ve stayed up into the night listening to music through cyberspace together for the last two months, and when I went to visit him, I told him how I felt. And despite the complications in my life right now, he likes me too. However, I am so damn afraid of hurting him if we get closer because of this burning love deep in my heart for another. I know that right now I can’t begin another relationship, I don’t feel ready, but I really enjoy what we share right now. I even have some signs of early crushing, like butterflies and smiling whenever he writes me. Of course it would be nice if I could feel ready to be closer to him sometime… but not right now. And I don’t feel the pressure that I have to decide something like this, because we are on opposite ends of the country and won’t see each other again for a few months.
So I can sit back and try to relax in my feelings and feel peace with the possibility of falling in love, even despite the circumstances. I can take this time to love myself and create peace and awareness within myself, so when the time comes, I can follow my heart… in love.